I hear feet rustling around me, rustling past me, and voices that fade into loud whispers. Desperation, determination, and perspiration float in the air of the crowded backstage theatre. The lights are dim, the crew whispers something I can’t quite make out into their headset. I spot the panel of judges sitting menacingly to my left and watch as the dancers on stage barely breathe during their solos. This was the biggest audition of my life. I feel girls brush past me, and all I could see was a flash of their numbers. 21, 23, 24, 27… I look down and read my own number: 18, there were two dancers before me. I place my feet into fifth position and get en pointe, breaking in my shoes in preparation for my solo. I place my right hand above my head in fourth position and use my left hand to support myself against the barre. I release a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in, letting out a sigh. I take a deep breath in, feeling the air enter my stomach, and slowly release my anxiety and doubts with each exhale. My vision becomes blurry, my thoughts crowd my mind, and my heart pounds like a drum in my ears. I know I’m breathing, but it’s like my body isn’t receiving the oxygen. The change in music snaps me back to reality. One more person before me. I reviewed the counts in my head and hummed the music to refresh my memory. I watched intently as the dancer before me put on an elegant performance. Her form was impeccable, her solo demonstrating discipline and skill, and her turns were mesmerizing. I watched in awe as anticipation and anxiety worked its way down my spine. She ends her performance in a gorgeous stance, showing off her custom-made costume, which dazzles from the stage lighting. It just now hits me that my cue is about to begin. I get into my position and hear the music of my track begin. This is the same track I’ve heard for weeks during rehearsal, but it felt different tonight, it felt more lively. I enter en cue and walk with my toes pointed to the center of the stage, and my feet take on a mind of their own. I enter a space that is not Earth, or space, or anything in between. It is a place I have only visited in my daydreams, dance being the only vessel to get me there. There is no gravity, no air, nothing; nothing can touch me. It was one of those performances where everything strangely goes perfectly. Weeks of early morning rehearsals, blisters, bloody bandages, multiple pair of pointe shoes, it was all for this moment. At that moment, I was finally free…
Until I enter my final pose, and instead of landing my turn perfectly as I’ve done each time before this, I am met with the cold wooden stage. I feel my body thud, and I give up control of my body. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t. I stood still; I didn’t exist, I didn’t want to. Betrayal. My own body failed me. I hear the hums around me, feel the concern filling the air, and the crew members hurrying toward my deadweight body. I lay there, stiff like a statue, unable to move, although every nerve in my body is urging me to make a movement, anything. Anything to show them that this fall does not define me as a dancer. Betrayal. I get up with the help of two gentlemen, unfortunately picking my shame up with me. I scurry backstage, my cheeks turning a vibrant shade of red. I run past everyone, grab my bag, and exit the theatre. My heart is crushed, my own body being the culprit.
“Katerina…Kat..” I look up at him. Betrayal. He moves his lips to form sentences, but all that leaves are lies. He fixes his mouth to tell another lie, to utter another false platitude. I smile and nod, but I know something he doesn’t. He continues catering to what he knows I like, but my vision is clear. Betrayal. He knew me like the palm of his hands, two souls merged in one: one body.
“What’s wrong?” Everything. I reassure him with meaningless words, the same thing he has done to me countless times. He smiles and grabs my hand. I squeeze his hand and plaster on a fake smile. The feeling is too familiar, the betrayal leaving a bitter yet nostalgic taste in my mouth. I reminisce about the night of my solo, the night everything changed. He has betrayed me, and I gave him all the tools to do it. My heart is broken, and it was an inside job.
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