The one thing I looked forward to the most about turning 20 was autonomy. How ironic that autonomy comes with added responsibilities and a built in ticking time clock. They say comparison is the thief of joy and it truly is because seeing where other adults my age are can be so discouraging; marriage, kids, full-time corporate jobs. I don’t know if I’m jealous or relieved that I do not have to juggle these challenges, but I feel like I’m being left behind. I’ve talked about this feeling: the feeling of not following the invisible timeline I’ve set for myself, and as a twenty-two year old, this feeling is manifesting deeper. Nine year old Shamia thought I’d be in law school in California, Stanford Law to be exact, and following through with my plans to become a lawyer immediately after graduation. I quickly realized that the feeling of being burned out was never a factor I considered. For as long as I can remember, I have prepared for my future: I participated in a program that helped me to attend boarding school, I excelled there, and attended one of my top choice colleges. Every single moment of my hard work has been to place the stepping stones I would need to achieve the future I had always imagined. Now, the future is here and I feel totally blindsided by these feelings. Sometimes it feels as though all of the hard work I put in, all of the long nights of studying, commuting to campus, living away from home, it feels like it was all for nothing. I feel like my present looks nothing like what I planned. I set such a high standard for myself, and for many years I lived up to them, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I’ve failed. Failure is subjective, and I know this, yet I cannot help it…
How Can I Fall In Love With This Version of Me?
It is hard to be gentle with yourself, to give yourself grace in the moments you need it the most. You are entirely capable of giving yourself the compassion you give to others. Plans change, dreams change, and it is impossible to consider every variable at play. There are many factors I failed to consider in my planning, factors my nine year old self would be unable to fathom. We are only human and humans make mistakes, but they can also change their minds. It’d be harsh to deprive myself of the opportunity to discover what I truly want from this life, to discover myself, the things I love, the people I love. It would be cruel to not take this chance to explore every possible path so there are no “what ifs” lingering in my mind. I deserve that, nine year old me deserves that. Because there are parts of myself that mini me couldn’t have known would come to life, parts of myself that would make her proud. The woman I’ve become, the person I’ve become exceeds the version of myself that I’d made up. I am outspoken, strong, determined, self aware, confident, and I hold myself accountable; mini me would be so proud. So while I give myself the grace to grow out of the person I thought I’d be, allow yourself to do the same. Allow yourself to feel the present, live in it, soak up all your life has to offer because it will never be this way again and there’s beauty in that. Admire that fact; your life will never be exactly as it is in this moment. If you adhere to the path you have mapped out for yourself and never deter, you are not allowing yourself to grow, to flourish, and to thrive. You deprive yourself of the experience of self discovery, of growth. Recognize that who you thought you’d become can change.
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